Rise and Whine – 10 Reasons Why Getting Up Early Sucks

You’ll probably have to iron your knickers and peacoat for starters.  Aside from a mental blueprint, you’ll also need to make sure you construct a care package of all your essentials for the next day.  These essentials include (and in this order) a tortoiseshell suitcase, wing-tip loafers and spats, a miniature umbrella, a derby hat, peanut butter, a marshmallow fluff sandwich, and a snuggie.

Trust me… in the real world, your boss doesn’t commend you on getting to work on time or early.  Your co-workers won’t pat you on the back or tell you you’re a go-getter (well, not without sarcastic undertones and sneers through the cubicles), and your paycheck absolutely won’t reflect the painstaking planning you masterminded to prepare for the 5 or 6 early mornings you encountered prior to receiving it. Aside from the occasional cliché or the lame productivity speech from the boss, you’ll have to settle for self-motivation, or you might even consider threatening yourself with the notion of being salary free… Fun!

What’s up with that? No one smiles or responds to your deliberate attempts to “bring the sunshine” and forget getting a thank you for holding the door for these jerks, they’ll be on their cellphones and iPads anyway. Oh, and somehow the lady you see smoking the cig outside your office every morning still hates you because she gives you the fake smile/immediate frown when you walk by (you know the one I’m talking about). Sheesh! Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed… and forget getting coffee because…

Somehow, all of the 24 hour fast-food spots you know of seem to be ironically and inconveniently off the beaten trail.

When it’s still dark outside and you’re already tired it just feels like you should still be sleeping. This unfortunate disposition turns driving a car into an amazing thrill ride of head nods and swerves.

It’s not that you are too lazy to make it (maybe). It’s just… you don’t feel like it. You’ll probably just grab that granola bar from the pantry again.  Those things work magic on your stomach…  This also makes the ride to work more interesting. Nothing like being tired, hungry, and consequently — very GRUMPY. You might wanna try some happy tunes.

Unless you like watching re-aired sports highlights (which I know everyone does) you’re forced to watch informercial guys talk loudly and repeatedly point at the screen, trying to sell you shitty shit. Having somone repeatedly say “for only 3 easy payments of 19.99!” is not the best formula for relieving that aggravated feeling you have when you wake up. Don’t fret though, it’s only three easy payments of $19.99!

Of course you can’t… Well… Unless you want to get cursed out. Or fussed out — depending who you call. You’ll just have to suck it up and cope with the fact that even though you brushed your teeth (and tongue if you’re repsponsible) your breath will stink as a result of your mouth not being able to air out all the extra stank in a good conversation.

This makes planning your wardrobe a skill/technique worthy of an award. Better safe then sorry is always key, but those of us who live on the edge often find ourselves wet and shivering or hot and sweaty, depending on where you live.

Nothing beats the overall defeated feeling you feel in the morning as a result of all of the aforementioned reasons combined. Your body aches, your eyes are puffy and red, and your eyelids feel extra heavy. Your head feels dizzy, you have the gurgles in your stomach (a.k.a. the BGeezies), and your socks never match. The only refuge from this oppression is prayer and hoping that tomorrow will feel better than today.